Life is not about meeting others’ expectations or competing with them. It is all about exploring yourself. The world may best be described as a school, where hundreds of students are learning important life lessons. No one is inferior or superior, though the superficial grade system does categorize them into different strata, using futile labels of success, failure, rich, poor, all the while trying to appreciate and humiliate. However, it must be understood that every student is blessed with some good and some bad traits, often termed as karmas, that we have brought from our previous lives and continue to earn in this life.

This life school doesn’t show the final result until one dies. In fact, all of the marks i.e. karmas are accumulated and passed onto the next stage. Some karmas are short lived or instant ones, particularly when we do good/bad in this life and receive a reward for the same, here only. However, others are long tenured. They are simply credited to our account and will be settled much later, most probably in the next life.

However, our memory is too fragile. We tend to forget events in few days time, leave alone remembering them in the next lives. As a result, whenever the fruits of our karmas unfold, we are baffled as to why we are suffering so much, despite adhering to the laws of society or abiding to moral conduct. I am saying this about suffering, as it is usually in bad times, we wonder why is God being so unkind. In good times, we hardly stop and ponder on the Karma theory or God’s unjust ways of being bountiful in this life, for the deeds that we actually did in earlier lives. But, He never forgets. He is a stern teacher, meticulous in maintaining our score cards and doles out our rewards and punishments, as per our earlier and present conduct. Though, despite being stern, He is kind and loving too, so often mixes up the results, making the bad times bearable by some bouts of goodness in between.

When I was promoted 2 years back, I could notice an entire gamut of good people, working overtime to get my dues. Met a number of kind, loving souls at that time, who seemed to carry me ashore, without any self interest. At one point, I seriously wondered how would I be able to pay them back. However, soon I realized that the happiness was short lived. All those good intentions actually transported me among evil spirits, where I could feel only negative and dark vibes around myself. At that time, I was really disappointed at the futility of all my good luck and punyas going waste for a promotion that I soon began to abhor.

However, while writing this article, it has begun to clear as to why this happened. I often begin a project zealously, work hard, but then while nearing completion, my energy gets out of sync, and I either leave it incomplete or do it in such a halfhearted manner, that I am often blamed rather than praised. My hard work and sincerity often goes unnoticed because of this trait. And, now I realize that all those kindred souls were also the mirror image of my own working style, leaving me with half baked results and a scorn for my saviors. So, I am taking this as a life lesson that patterns repeat in our lives and if we are not happy with what we are getting, perhaps it is time that we modify our own actions.

Moreover, every hard lesson teaches us something new. The phase that I described as bad, was actually good in the sense that while sitting in that shady place, I could finally understand the importance of living truly and openly. I was a shy, secretive person, however, the forced interactive job made me more confident and people friendly. Also, I bowed in front of God for little mercies, he was showering on me, feeling His presence, whenever things went too bad. Furthermore, it was during that strenuous time, I explored my potential as a writer. My writing gave me respite from the toxic environment and helped me to come out of my shell. God helped me realize my dream of being a writer, although in a different manner. I did become popular, but in a small circle of social media only and here also my continuous attachment to shyness was responsible, rather than God’s wish.

Same pattern goes for the timing of events in my life too. Often times as long as I am waiting for something good to happen, nothing goes my way. And, when I begin to give up, the things move. But, by that time, my patience wears off and I am seldom able to rejoice even if things do turn out to be favorable. It has happened so many times in the past that I am right now totally fed up with this mesh of life. Hitherto my response has been to blame all and sundry, fight with my own people, point out their shortcomings and bring home the moot point that I am suffering because of their hastiness or lethargy. This morning itself, gave an almost similar response. However, as I write, I am increasingly getting convinced that nothing is going to change if I keep repeating my old pattern of thinking and behaving.

Now, I would try to effect a change. I would behave like a talented golfer and see to it that the ball I set rolling, reaches its goal in the bestest way possible, adjusting the angle, perfecting the hit and making proper use of my skills. And, then I would simply stand aside as a caddy and let God play golf, trusting his Providence to deliver the best results. Now no half hearted attempts or repeated meddlings in his scheme. I understand it is going to be really difficult initially as old habits die hard, but this time I want to give it a well meaning try. Rest, time will tell.