At times, we feel so lonely, as if we are the only person alive on an uninhabited island after a shipwreck. Though, it would be an adventure, imagining yourself as Tom Hanks, single handedly, carving out a life on a lonely island, I do understand that for us, normal people, in less than fortunate circumstances, it’s nothing but a curse.
Each one of us is caged in a glass jar these days. We can see others, but not feel them. We can waive at each other but certainly not welcome them in our homes. All of us are stuck in our respective comfort zones, that slowly become shady prisons.
You must have noticed that I am using the collective pronoun ‘We’ for us, lonely souls. It may sound paradoxical. How can more than one person be counted as alone. Isn’t the very idea of two persons sitting together or facing the same situation at the same time, be considered as companions, rowing in the same boat.
Well, yes and no.
It’s true that there are many people facing similar hardships, grappling with similar problems and lamenting their similar ill-fate, at any given time. But, still each of them is alone, absolutely alone to face those problems on his/her own. Nobody, not even your parents or kids, can understand the dilemma. The precarious walk between life and death on a tight rope is to be made by you and only you.
I find myself stuck in a rut for quite some time now. In fact, my whole life, I have been crying and blaming one or the other person for my problems. In a way, I inherited this habit from my mother, who never took any blame onto herself and conveniently shifted the responsibility onto others. And, I must say, she has lived well. Enjoyed some good moments in her life and then sorely suffered for the rest of the time. And, right now, she is facing her hell. Bedridden for almost 6 months now, she has transformed into a baby. A tantrum prone kid, would be a better term though. She is fragile, totally dependent on others, least interested in food, clothes, looks, or for that matter, in any entertainment. She simply spends her time sleeping. I feel sad for her. Her whole life has become limited to one room, one bed. She almost has no interaction with the outerworld and is least bothered to know about her surroundings. How quickly, we humans can get trapped in a glass cage and even adapt it as our home, she is a prime example of that.
However, it’s not that I am a very kind hearted soul or my heart bleeds for her sufferings. Yes, I do feel bad for her. I want her to become independent, to be able to walk again, and at least take care of herself at the earliest. But, in my heart of hearts, I know, it’s next to impossible. And, this knowledge makes me bitter, towards her, towards my own life and towards God. I wish, some magic was there to cure her and put my life in order.
But, then, it’s all wishful thinking. I know, there is no solution in offing. Today I had been a little more than upset. But wasn’t even able to shout at anybody. I simply cried. It’s as if I had lost the zest, my spirit slackened, I had no energy left and wanted to lie and stare at nothing for infinity. Almost entire day went in a flash. I slept and then overslept. And, still I felt tired as hell.
Again and again, I thought about killing myself, to pop some pills and leave this cruel world behind. But, then I am nothing if not stubborn. After spending the whole day in a stupor, I am now feeling rejuvenated. Just now, scrolled a few pages on net, trying to decide upon the Dance course I wish to undertake. I also want to learn car driving. And, as I searched for these classes, I hit upon some article on reinventing life. I read a few paras and realized that I am not alone. There are thousands of others, whose life is stuck and they are banging their heads on the glass walls. Strangely, it is comforting to know that there are others too, who are suffering the same lot. No, it’s not a sadistic assumption, but a positive reinforcement that I do have many examples to follow. I am neither the first nor the last person to feel depressed.
Strange, it is.. we are all trapped in glass jars, and yet are invisible to each other… but, a little nick, and the glass walls crash, leaving us free to repent the loss of our prison or celebrate the freedom… Tomorrow is another day….